C's Scrapbook

/ Season 1: “Zinc Bloom”

  • a magpie brought me the answer

    I was having my lil’ meditation walk in the university campus across the street. I figured my brain could use some sunlight before I eventually got to work. It did, by the way. I feel great now.

    During my walk, I was focused on absorbing the beauty of being a small fellow human living among the others, under the big beautiful blue sky. All the buildings and roads looked as if they were built by a well-meaning, hard-working gang of 5-year-olds.
    Tiny humans doing their best. Moving mountains. Changing lives by putting one pebble on top of the other, and calling it a day.
    We’re all about the human life at the stage we’re in. So when we change human lives, we’re tiny gods. But one can’t help but notice how what we do just tickles the ground we’re on, and does not alter how the stardust floats and flows above and under our heads. I’m in love with this. I am intensely, wholly in love with us. I, for one, would not have it any other way.

    So while I was nearing the end of my walk, I saw a magpie searching for something in the frozen winter grass. You could see the intelligence in her eyes. Calculating, analysing, going back again and using her senses, using her beak as a probe, getting back up, thinking. I didn’t have the time to notice that my brain recognised the intelligent effort in those beautiful black eyes: all I could feel was a lighting strike. How on earth could I ever entertain the idea of leaving scientific research to go work for the industry? How on earth, could I consider it even for a split second, if I only have one life to live? I could feel the blood in my veins and in my brain pulse as I a wave of clarity swallowed me whole: it is not a matter of not knowing how long do I have to live. For all we have is this present moment. And as I watched the all-so-imaginary past and the future fall off from the edges of my consciousness, the true intention of my human life condensed into a dense monolith before my eyes and within my body: I absolutely could not fathom indulging in anything else besides curious, playful, divine scientific inquiry. I recognized that, I only really existed in that fraction of moment I was marvelling at the magpie. and that in that fraction I existed, I was a beautiful, precious sack of child-like wonder and joy. That’s what I *am*. How could I ever entertain the idea of being anything else, and take it seriously? …

    As I made my way back home, walking under truly giant sycamores, I also came to realise this one other thing: my feet still touched the ground I was walking on, because my very existence as a human being in a community of people is meant to touch their lives, their hearts and the way they go on about their lives.

  • desiderata — max ehrmann, 1927

    Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 
    and remember what peace there may be in silence. 
    As far as possible, without surrender, 
    be on good terms with all persons.

    Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
    and listen to others, 
    even to the dull and the ignorant; 
    they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 
    they are vexatious to the spirit. 
    If you compare yourself with others, 
    you may become vain or bitter, 
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 
    Keep interested in your own career, 
    however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, 
    for the world is full of trickery. 
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
    many persons strive for high ideals, 
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself. 
    Especially do not feign affection. 
    Neither be cynical about love; 
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit 
    to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

    Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 
    You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; 
    you have a right to be here.

    And whether or not it is clear to you, 
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
    Therefore be at peace with God, 
    whatever you conceive Him to be. 

    And whatever your labors and aspirations, 
    in the noisy confusion of life, 
    keep peace in your soul. 
    With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, 
    it is still a beautiful world. 

    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.

  • aile içerisindeki en ünlü hikayelerimden biri, hiç emeklemeden doğrudan yürümeye başlamış olmam. “sen zaten hiçbir zaman düşüp kalkarak öğrenmeye kalkışmadın kızım, sen zaten hiçbir zaman deneye yanıla öğrenmeyi sevmedin”. antrenman yapmışım. sehpanın kenarına tutunup, sürekli yere oturup kalkan, bildiğiniz squat yapan azimli bir bebek.

    bu aralar pancake yapmaya çok sarmış durumdayım. çok hızlı yapabiliyorsun, ihtiyacın olan kadar şeker koyuyorsun. benim gibiler için ekstra mükemmel. ilk birkaç yapışımdan sonra un yerine muz kullanmak istedim. ama unlu tariflerin aksine, net ölçüler yazan tarifler bulamadım asla. sonunda chatgpt’den tarif istemek aklıma gelmeseydi, “şu kıvamı alana kadar süt ekleyin” gibi kişisel yanılma payı bırakan tariflerle şansımı denemeyecektim.

    doğum günüm yaklaşıyor, ve içimde bu yaşın dünyanın bana deneyip yanılıp hata yaparak öğrenmeye açık olmayı öğreten yaş olacağına dair bir his var.

    buna açığım! buna tabii ki açığım.
    sadece… bu sefer nazik dersler almayı umuyorum…

  • “We’ll go down in history as the first society that wouldn’t save itself because it wasn’t cost effective.”

    — Kurt Vonnegut

  • #

    durup dönüp bakınca, herkesin bir blog sahibi olmaması çok tuhaf geliyor bana. herkesin söyleyecek bir şeyi var oysa, öyle değil mi?

    insanlar, kendilerini insanlardan esirgemek için konmamışlar yeryüzüne. ben de sonradan anladım bunu. düşünsenize, ben öldükten sonra eşyalarımın arasından yüzlerce kavanoz mavi mürekkep dolu defterler çıktığını. sevdiklerim o defterlerden vazgeçemez.

    ve ben sadece tek kişilik yaşamış olurum.

  • “Bir gün ona Avanos’taki çocukluğumdan, ilk gençliğimden bahsederken domatesi nasıl yediğimi tarif etmiştim. Avanos’taki evimizin bahçesinde bir havuzumuz vardı. Bahçeden koparırım domatesi, bol suyla yıkadıktan sonra keserim. Havuzun kenarında bir yerde, eskiden kalmış, kurumuş, katılaşmış tuz olur. Salatalıkta domateste sürekli kullanılmıştır o tuz. ‘Bıçağı önce tuza sürterim, sonra domatese sürterim, domatesi öyle yerim,’ diye bir şey anlattım ona. ‘Ulan anan seni çok sevmiş!’ dedi bana. ‘Nasıl yani abi, domatesten buraya nasıl geldik?’ dedim. ‘Oğlum,’ dedi; ‘sen doymuşsun zaten; anan seni çok sevmiş, ancak anasının çok sevdiği bir adam böyle anlatır domatesi.’ — Ercan Kesal